Look who's talking

Late Show with David Letterman: Jessica Simpson, Alkaline Trio

The Jay Leno Show: Kristen Stewart, Guy Fieri, Ryan Bingham

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Tom Papa, Manchester Orchestra

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Dominic Monaghan, Lindsay Sloane, the Temper Trap

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Forest Whitaker, Rachael Harris, the National

Last Call with Carson Daly: David Arquette, Lisa Hannigan

The Daily Show: Jerry Seinfeld

The Colbert Report: Sean Carroll

The View: Forest Whitaker, Jesse Ventura

Live With Regis and Kelly: America Ferrera, Bret Michaels, guest co-host Ludacris

The Ellen DeGeneres Show: Dominic Monaghan, Jonathan Safran Foer, the U.S. Women's Hockey Team

The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos: Greg Campbell and Engelbert Humperdink

Late-night laughs

Jay Leno

Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker, about the Iraq war. But she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made: Bush and Cheney.

* It was a very long show. Halfway through, you could see the Botox start wearing off.

* As you know, this year they expanded the Best Picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage was expanded to include President Obama's health care program.

* Former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry is 74 years old. He's getting up there. The nurse has to cut his crack into little pieces now.

David Letterman

The Academy Awards show was so long this year that they had to keep adding to the montage of dead actors.

* Congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow. She is the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Director, but in the defence of the Academy, a woman has always won in the category of Best Actress.

* George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. It's going to be a big, thick book, but it's great because you can step on it to reach up to a better book.

* Top 10 things overheard at the Academy Awards

10. Only six more hours to go.

9. Well, if you have to lose to somebody, at least it's your ex-wife

8. What this ceremony needs is a tedious interpretive dance number

7. What is Sean Penn always so angry about?

6. Did that Inglourious Basterds guy just thank Hitler?

5. The list of dead actors at the Golden Globes is a good predictor of who will still be dead tonight

4. Did Crocodile Dundee win?

3. No No. 3 -- writer still watching Academy Awards -- will this show ever end?

2. When does curling begin?

1. Psst ... Wake up!

Craig Ferguson

The oldest person in America passed away today at the age of 114. She was only 98 when the Oscars started.

* In most cultures around the world, old people are respected. Here, we honour them by taping them doing stupid things and putting it on YouTube.

* Denial of death is very big in our culture. In fact, we all die eventually. We're not all going to keep going and going. We're humans, not Toyotas.

Jimmy Kimmel

It's exhausting winning an Oscar. First you have to do a speech, then you have to do interviews, take pictures, then you go to parties to do more interviews and more pictures, then you have to do drugs ...

* In the morning, after the parties, you wake up with Oprah.

* The winner was The Hurt Locker. No Academy Award-winning movie has ever been seen by fewer people. I think two people saw it.

Jimmy Fallon

Did everyone watch the Oscars last night? Or as I like to call it, James Cameron's own personal Hurt Locker.

* It was a big night for The Hurt Locker, which, of course, is a film about the war in Iraq. I guess that explains why Obama called the director and was like, "Uh, how did you end it?"

* President Obama is going to hold a major "space conference" to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it "One small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars and the recession."

Tonight's TV

Style king Andre Leon Talley joins Tyra Banks and photographer Nigel Barker on the judging panel of America's Next Top Model, as a new season kicks off with judge Miss J. Alexander becoming the models' new mentor. Tonight's premiere features blogger Perez Hilton. (A Channel, CW, 8 p.m.)

* East Coast comic Cathy Jones guest stars on tonight's episode of the Newfoundland-set cop caper, Republic Of Doyle. She plays a widow who hires the Doyles to find out why her husband left $100,000 to a woman she doesn't know. (CBC, 9 p.m.)