Look who's talking

Late Show with David Letterman: Lady Antebellum

The Jay Leno Show: Simon Cowell

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Robin Wright, Jason Mesnick & Molly Malaney, Corinne Bailey Rae

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Isaac Mizrahi

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Abigail Breslin, Chris Parnell, Ted Leo

Last Call with Carson Daly: TBA

The Daily Show: Harry Markopolos

The Colbert Report: Tom Hanks

The View: Chris Cuomo, guest co-host Vanessa Williams

Live With Regis and Kelly: Chace Crawford, Jason Mesnick & Molly Malaney, guest co-host Mark Consuelos

The Ellen DeGeneres Show: Sandra Bullock (R)

The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos: Rufus Wainwright

Late-night laughs

Jay Leno Show

* President Obama had his annual physical last week. While the colonoscopy didn't reveal any polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and a New York Times columnist.

* General Motors announced they're recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, since President Obama took over the company, all of the cars are veering to the left.

* In the Democratic gubernatorial primary, Texas voters overwhelmingly nominated former Houston mayor Bill White over Pakistani-born businessman Farouk Shami. Who could have seen that coming?

* According to a Vanity Fair poll, 22 per cent of Americans say they completely forgive Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife. The other 78 per cent were women.

David Letterman

* The Share A Ride program in New York City begins today. New Yorkers can actually share a cab. I saw a couple of New Yorkers sharing a cab this morning. One took the radio, one took the tires.

* This new program means that you don't have to take the subway to sit next to a sweaty stranger.

* Today I'm a very proud father. My six-year-old son is out at JFK airport right now and he's directing air traffic today.

* How can they be upset about kids directing their air traffic when we have such a little guy running the city?

Top 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy in your bobsled

10. "Ooooh. You're strong"

9. "Somebody else steer, I'm Twittering"

8. "Hope you don't mind, I brought my kitty"

7. "We're lost"

6. "I bought us a Toyota bobsled"

5. "Why can't we ever be this close out of the sled?"

4. "Did something seem off with the shrimp salad at lunch?"

3. "After the race, wanna take a shower?"

2. "Stop breathing on my neck"

1. "That's not the brake lever, but don't stop pulling"

Craig Ferguson

It's not a great day for California State Sen. Roy Ashburn. He was pulled over for a DUI and it turns out he was drinking in a gay nightclub. All I can say is "thank you," Sen. Ashburn, because until now, it has been a very slow week.

* Ashburn voted against every single gay rights measure. Maybe he was at the nightclub to protest the gay lifestyle. However, he tested positive for "Appletini."

* There is a theory that Ashburn could be a closeted homosexual, and he may also be a hypocrite. Hypocrisy at this level is like seeing Mel Gibson at a synagogue.

* This guy is making California's government look like a joke and that's clearly Schwarzenegger's job.

Jimmy Kimmel

* Sarah Palin is shopping a reality show. She quit as governor to follow in the footsteps of Ray J and the Kardashians.

* New York Gov. David Paterson lied under oath about getting free Yankees tickets for the World Series last fall. Paterson, who is legally blind, maintains he didn't even know he was at a Yankees game.

* Tiger Woods' caddy, Steve Williams, said he had no idea Tiger was fooling around with other women. He said he was disappointed in Tiger but is standing by him as a friend, and the source of all of his income.

* The only caddy that should be disappointed is the one that Tiger drove into a tree.

Jimmy Fallon

* Sarah Palin has been shopping around her own reality show. Of course, any reality show about Sarah Palin will have to compete with that other reality show about Sarah Palin -- "the news."

* Samsung just came out with this new refrigerator that has built-in Internet and a screen on the outside so you can display family photos and recipes. Or for $2,000 less, you can buy a magnet.

* There's a new trend in skydiving called "Skyaking," where people jump out of planes in a kayak. Or as Southwest would call it, a "connecting flight."

* There's a new vending machine in Japan that can wash, rinse and blow-dry your dog in 30 minutes. They have the same exact thing in China, but it doubles as a snack machine.

Tonight's TV

They met, dated, broke up and got back together on TV, and now, Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney are getting married on television. The Bachelor: Jason And Molly's Wedding airs tonight with one of reality TV's most buzzed-about couples tying the knot in front of friends, family and past Bachelor and Bachelorette personalities. Behind-the-scenes features are said to include Molly's dress fitting and the couple's bachelor and bachelorette parties. (Citytv, 8 p.m.)

* The Passionate Eye casts its gaze on the deadly drug war in Mexico, where cartels battle over marijuana and cocaine smuggling routes. BBC journalist Katya Adler delves into the human stories behind violence that has claimed more than 15,000 lives in the last three years. At the centre of the carnage is Joaquin Chapo (Shorty) Guzman -- the U.S.'s most wanted fugitive after Osama bin Laden, with a $5-million bounty on his head. (CBC NN, 10 p.m.)